World Cup Round-Up- Why are some teams better than others?

Scotland and Holland, two similarly small countries, one is flat, one full of mountains. The Dutch have pretty flowers, the Scottish have sharp spiky things called thistles. The Romans conquered Holland, they left Scotland out of the Empire. Flushing toilets came to Scotland last year.

In footballing terms, Holland are far superior. Why? They have a player pool from former colonies in the sunshine, Scotland has hunchbacks from local caves. The Dutch eat vegetables, the Scottish players are vegetables. The Dutch smoke reefer and imagine impressionist football, with flair, and lightness; in Scotland it’s kegs of dark beer, and frequent blackouts. Scotland is wee men, they are big men. Scotland’s national anthem sounds like a dirge at a sheep’s funeral, Holland’s swings.

So what options do a team like Scotland have? The traditional approach is to break opponent’s legs, set fire to their villages after the game and use the word fuck more often that a rapper with Tourette’s Syndrome. But a more realistic choice is required – abandon ship, withdraw from FIFA and never set foot on a football field again.

In football it is this simple – We are Good or We are Rubbish.

Holland 3 – Scotland 0