The Hand of Henry

The Hand of Henry

Think of all those brand names that players pick up as endorsements. And make bags of money in the process. And the team strips emblazoned with corporate logos. But maybe it’s time for a new logo to be branded across the chests of our favorite soccer stars, those ones who like to dive, or use their hand to earn a goal. Welcome to soccer’s growing, dynamic brand: CHEAT.

Branding a player a cheat is a tough and ugly call. Some argue that unfair advantage is a natural part of the game. Yet, French star Tierry Henry deliberately used his palm to knock Ireland out of the World Cup Finals. Shouting and cursing will follow him like the smell of rotting escargot but it will come to nothing. The hubris of star players demonstrates their supremacy over the game. Henry will shrug his shoulders and be happy that his World Cup appearance bonus is secure.

But back to that CHEAT endorsement. FIFA will no doubt be happy that its marketing department has all the big teams in its World Cup 2010 tent while gearing up its message of liberty, equality and fraternity for all the soccer-loving nations. But maybe it’s time to add a new positive campaign like FIFA’s No to Racism effort. We need a Kick Cheats Out of Football crusade. A yellow card for simulation needs to become a three-month ban. A Hand of Henry goal needs to be a year ban.

A ruthless manufacturer in China could make three million fake Henry tops with his new endorsement and sell them to every man, woman and child in Ireland. They will not forget the Hand of Henry. The Irish memory is long.

The Death of Scottish Football

If you’re Scottish, your football is dead. Once, a thriving field of imaginative players lived in this football worshiping country; now a dead zone, populated by footballing zombies. Scotland’s latest humiliation against Wales ranks as the worst effort by a Scottish team, probably, ever. An abomination of capitulation.

So what has made this footballing country die? Is it the culture? So long enveloped in drink and bad habits. Throughout the years, so many Scottish players banned for alcohol inspired abuse. Is it the fact that Scotland is not a nation, but a region of the United Kingdom? You can only play for your country if you truly have one. Or maybe Scots can’t dance? Brazilian Samba, Argentine Tango, cool, and svelte; the Scottish Highland Fling, no use in football. A corrupt and provincial mindset at the top of the Scottish football establishment condemns it to the grave. Scotland is now a minor football planet, a Luxembourg, an Iceland. And once they talked of winning a World Cup. And still they sing that ironic dirge, I’ll Walk a Million Miles for One of Your Goals, Oh Scotland. Indeed, that is the distance the Tartan Army will have to travel to see their nation score big again. And all that they have left..Let’s hope the English lose. Ashes to ashes. Dust to Dust. The end of Scottish football.

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Iran – The Soccer Revolution

Momentous times for Iran, last week they were eliminated from participating in the soccer World Cup Finals in South Africa in 2010. During their fateful last game, several of the nation’s players wore rebel green armbands in solidarity with their compatriots fighting in the streets. Soccer in Iran is more popular than politics and revolution. Iranians believe in the sentiment expressed by the legendary Scottish soccer coach, Bill Shankly, “Life and death? Football is much more important than that.”

But under Ahmadinejad’s mob, Iranian soccer has deteriorated. The team’s play in recent times has shifted from a long thread of poetic nuance to subdued aggression, much like the grin on Ahmadinejad’s mug. Iran lost its stylish play, and some of the players resorted to out of character roughness on the field. Ahmadinejad acts like a soccer hooligan, he’s got that casual look but doesn’t mind sticking the boot in to his enemies. And the Iranian people know that under his governance, the nation has failed to qualify for the biggest show on earth. Even the Shah avoided that humiliation. It’s a national disaster.

Blame them! Ahmadinejad’s calling card popped through the doors of Ali Karimi, 31, Mehdi Mahdavikia, 32, Hosein Ka’abi, 24 and Vahid Hashemian, 32, four of Iran’s best players. According to reports, the four are now banned for life from playing for the their country, having donned the green armbands in last week’s game. And the former head of Iranian soccer has been arrested, an ally of the reformist movement. The clampdown on the Iranian game will backfire on the mob currently in charge. In the future, expect to see packed soccer stadiums in Iran, as the vehicle for protest. The soccer revolution can pack a whopping strike. Ahmadinejad would be well advised to have his revolutionary shin guards on.

In miracle news, the USA has qualified for the semi-final of the Confederations Cup, currently being played in South Africa. Tomorrow’s game against Spain, the best team in the world, is a great opportunity for the boys to show the world some true grit. ESPN has the coverage, get behind the team.

Kick the Balls is out now in paperback in the bookshops www.alanblack.info

World Saved From North Korean Nuclear War

North Korea have qualified for next year’s soccer World Cup Finals in South Africa ending the possibility of a nuclear confrontation on the Korean peninsula. No country will threaten its chance of glory at the world’s biggest event. The corks are popping in Pyongyang and cheering could be heard across the DMZ in Korea, the world’s most dangerous stand-off. North Korea’s qualification comes at the expense of Iran, who will not be at next year’s Finals. Centrifuges could be heard spinning in Tehran after news of North Korea’s qualification came through. Expect a draw down of troops in the Asian theater but longer stays in Iraq. Israel has an outside chance of qualification. Let’s pray that they make it.

North Korea’s qualification sets up the enticing possibility of a match up with the United States. Here is an opportunity for President Obama to meet Kim Jong-Il, and allow the outcome of the game to settle the conflict once and for all. If America loses, they leave Korea. If the Koreans go down, hand over the nuclear bombs now! Is there a better way?

The last time North Korea qualified for the World Cup Finals was in 1966 in England, when they impressed the world with their all-out attack style of play, reaching the quarter-finals. In that historic game against European power-house Portugal, the Koreans gave up a 3-0 lead at half-time, to finally lose 5-3. The long bus journey back to North Korea was filled with the singing of patriotic songs, and endless cans of warm English beer.

Check out the highlights of North Korea’s 1966 classic game against Portugal. Vintage stuff.

Kick the Balls is out in paperback now in the bookshops. www.alanblack.info