Coaches. Who Needs Them?

4 Jan

In most jobs, if you screw up, the boss sacks you. Fair enough. In soccer, the players screw up and the owners sack the coach, usually after hearing boos. There’s no sympathy. The fans blame the coach for the poor players. The players blame the boss for their bad performances. The losing era is associated with the coach’s name. So why not just get rid of the coach once and for all?

Let’s assume we do. The players in the squad will pick the starting eleven by a show of hands in the changing room before the game. Defenders will not be allowed to vote for defenders, and so on through the positions. Now let’s assume cliques may form – for example, maybe a forward and a midfielder go drinking together and connive to always pick each other, no matter what. How do we get around this? By taking the money in football out of the individual’s self interest. Players will be paid equally. But how can one player earn more than another player? Easy – by scoring goals, by stopping goals, by setting up goals – the bonus system. Collectively, if the team wins games, everyone gets a day off during the Christmas holiday. If they win a trophy, they get to share an extra large pizza after the Final. Rich teams will still dominate poor teams. No need to worry that Manchester United will be in the same league as Scunthorpe. They will always have bigger slices and more toppings for their players. And there are always merchandising sponsorships to be had for the Gods.

In this utopia, when a player kisses the team badge on his strip, he means it. When a player makes a phone call, it’s to a fellow team player to check on his health, and not to his agent. The scurvy of money ball will be cured and soccer saved.

But naturally, we prefer to keep an individual around to blame, his effigy to burn; a scapegoat we love to boot. It is a kicking game, after all. Keep the coach.

Check out thegloriousworldcup.com. The Balls Out Guide to the World Cup Finals, 2010.

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3 Responses to “Coaches. Who Needs Them?”

  1. Kamikaze January 7, 2010 at 10:22 pm #

    thanks for the info
    Im gonna use this in my project as refrence..
    happy new year btw

  2. Rob Carey January 7, 2010 at 11:17 pm #

    Hi Alan,
    I’ve been trying to send you some drawings but for some reason they keep coming back, do you have another email address I can try?

  3. suspension kits for lincoln navigator January 5, 2012 at 7:36 am #

    OTOH, it could have been because they gave me something and it was making me gets chills? Cant remember exactly. I do remember being annoyed because everyone ignored my question. I guess they werent cold, lol.

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