England’s Tiger Woods – Chelsea’s John Terry

31 Jan

Hacking was outlawed on the field in English soccer over a hundred years ago but it continues to thrive in the country’s sporting press. Captain of England’s national team, John Terry (left), a married father of two, has just felt the crunching chop of Britain’s vicious tabloids for his sex romp with a former teammate’s girlfriend. Terry, recently anointed Dad of the Year in the UK by a ketchup company, scored the winning goal for his club Chelsea last Saturday, hours after Britain’s #1 selling tabloid, The Sun, spilled the sexy sauce as he played away from home. His goal celebration will go down as the biggest drip of the English soccer season. The man looked broken.

The British tabloids love to destroy their soccer heroes. Beckham was crucified for costing England a World Cup in 2002; last year Terry’s teammate, Ashley Cole, was branded a Love Rat in the tabloids for his extra-marital affair. The paparazzi chase players through the streets of London hoping to catch them with their jock straps off. It’s tough earning $300,000 a week especially when you are bored with the missus.

The promotion of the world’s top soccer players to the God league necessarily scripts tragedy, especially when there are commercial commandments to uphold.  Thou Shalt Not Be A Naughty Boy is usually number one on the corporate endorsement tablet and we all know what happens when you tell a boy not to be naughty. He goes straight out and does his worst. Terry’s endorsement with a popular razor brand is likely to see his contract being sliced to ribbons. And he can forget about getting down on bended knee before the Queen at Buckingham Palace should England win the World Cup in South Africa. There will be no Arise, Sir John. That scenario will have to remain inside his shorts.

The British tabloids are famous for their fabulously brutal headlines. And the hacks that write these blazing leads are salivating over Terry’s sloppiness and what it means for England at this year’s World Cup in South Africa. It’s possible that England’s defense could line up Terry and the teammate he cuckolded, Wayne Bridge, with the two of them playing next to the Love Rat. Oh, what an English pickle! It’s like a complicated Jane Austen novel. Terry and Bridge will hardly be on speaking terms, and likely to turn their backs on each other. This is great news for the well-behaved Americans, England’s first opponent in the Finals. A few choice words in Terry’s ear during the June 12 match-up – You should see what Bridge is doing behind your back, John – could open up holes in England’s defense, and lead to a romp of American goals against the colonial ancestor. Let’s hope so.

Alan Black is Scottish. And American. His book, The Glorious World Cup – A Fanatic’s Guide is published in the US in early May, by Penguin.



2 Responses to “England’s Tiger Woods – Chelsea’s John Terry”

  1. 2010 World Cup Football Shirts February 28, 2010 at 11:16 am #

    Bridge has ruled himself out of contention- probably makes things easy for Capello given that Wayne isn’t his first choice left back.

    As for JT, he’s certainly not done a Tiger here, but we do not know how many more skeletons might tumble out of his closet.

  2. cheap ugg boots December 1, 2011 at 10:25 pm #

    I explain to you, I certainly get annoyed while people consider worries they just dont are familiar with.

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