The Vuvuzela

This is what some people from Europe’s soccer elites are saying about the vuvuzela, South Africa’s famous plastic horn –

Deafening. Louder than standing next to the speakers at an AC/DC concert. More unsettling than having an airplane engine rev up underneath your bed. Guaranteed to ruin the World Cup. How will the players and coaches be able to communicate on the field with that blasted noise annihilating every eardrum in its path? The vuvuzela. It must be banned!

The World Cup is going to be hella noisy. Expect a wall of sound like all the bumble bees of the world have moved to South Africa to watch the games. And this is pure honey for the manufacturers of the plastic vuvuzela. By making issue of this cheap trumpet, sales have gone through the roof. And South Africans will be blowing louder than ever just to spite the imperialist complainers.

There is nothing better for publicity, and profits, than affronted complaint. Before the Germany World Cup in 2006, a Dutch manufacturer made a few hundred plastic, orange-colored war helmets. They were replicas of the headgear worn by invading German troops during World War II. It was a cheap attempt to cash in on historical irony, as the Dutch in huge numbers would be invading neighboring Germany for the Finals. The Dutch government was horrified, demanding that Holland fans stay away from such an insult to the hosts. The manufacturer had to work 24 hours a day to keep up with demand. Every Dutch man, woman, child and tulip bought one.

I guess those who are lucky enough to be going to South Africa can either take their noise reducing headphones or simply join the swarm of buzzing blares and let the world know that celebrating football comes in many forms.

Should the vuvuzela be banned from the World Cup?

If you fancy it, check out my guide to South Africa, The Glorious World Cup, out now.