The Goal Oscars

6 Aug

Icelandic team Stjarnan’s goal performance was a big catch on the internet last week. If you missed it, the goal scorer reeled in a fish-like flopping teammate who was scooped up into a net of teammates’ hands. Such theater! Football acting troupes around the world will be preparing their own moves. What is football but a form of acting. Goal celebration ensembles could be the next big thing. An awards ceremony could be founded – The Goal Oscars – more captivating that handing out awards for best actor in the diving category.

The Goal Oscars could also be an incentive for teams to score more goals – imagine you are languishing at the bottom of the table during the season facing relegation when the prospect of walking down the red carpet to receive a Goal Oscar from Angelina Jolie for Best Goal Performance by a Rubbish Team is still a possibility. Watch the center forward go! Although, granted, Angelina might not be available.

So what performances can we expect from this upcoming craze and our world of soccer actors? When Ronaldo scores, the team can rock him gently back and forth as he sucks on a pacifier, which he then spits at the camera. A Wayne Rooney goal could be set in a bar with the players sinking pints of beer and then stumbling around, falling down drunk. Should the “Cassanova” John Terry meet sweetness with his head, his teammates could line up and simulate the moves of procreation. A Landon Donovan strike could become a marching band on the Fourth of July and a Nicolas Anelka goal could pull an absurdist piece of French drama by having the players simply not celebrate at all but walk slowly back to the center spot as if attending the funeral of French soccer.

The creative possibilities are endless. Any readers who have good ideas that our stars could use, post them below. Who knows? Maybe soccer’s goal scorers will hear of it and you’ll see your script being acted out before millions of viewers. Time for a career in Hollywood.


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